All
over social media people are reviewing their last decade and looking back at
all the significant events that have happened to them and their family.
From an outsider’s perspective, my last decade was great. I graduated nursing
school and became an RN, I married the love of my life, we travelled, we
adopted our fur babies, we bought a house, I fulfilled a dream to help deliver
babies and work with kids with special needs in Tanzania, we followed an incredible
job opportunity for Shaun and moved to Houston where we fell in love with our
new life, we lived in many different homes, and best of all we had two
incredible kids.
For
me, I struggle thinking about the last 10 years. It was 2010 that I suddenly
developed these chronic migraines, and life has never been the same. When I
look back, all I see is a giant black cloud that tainted everything good in my
life. I see a disease that took away my career and my independence. It took
away my drive and ambition. It took away my 20’s which are supposed to be a
time for adventure and self exploration. It took away the places I could
have travelled and explored. It took away countless social events and time with
friends and family. It took away developing new deep friendships.
It took away anything that required a commitment. It took away time and special
moments with my babies. It took away living life, and instead I was just
getting through life. It took away knowing who I was. Who am I other than with
a headache? Medication side effects even erased two years from my memory and
caused speech issues and difficulty with word retrieval. It made me feel
like a burden and gave me incredible guilt. It made me recluse and introverted.
I see a disease that took too much from me.
So
instead of looking back and seeing all the pain and loss of the 2010s, I need
to look forward and be hopeful that the 2020s make up for everything I lost the
previous decade. There is so, so much GOOD in my life and I really am thankful.
I just need to figure out who I am. The best part is, every day since my
surgery I am seeing that big black cloud lift a bit higher.
Cheers
to 2020!
xx
So, I’m feeling pretty emotional today in the
best way possible. I woke up today without a headache (well, 0.5/10 pain which
is basically nothing), and I can’t believe this is my life. Until surgery, I
have never, not once, had a day this low in pain for 9 years. I think of
all the support I’ve gotten, and I know there is no way I would be healing this
well and feeling this good without some people putting their lives on hold to
help us out.
My parents, Bruce and Ruth have been a god
send. They arrived to Houston a few days before my surgery with a one-way
ticket and an expectation that they were going to be here for months. And they
were. Its hard for me to let go of control of my kids and my home, but after
surgery they took over and did everything. They loved and entertained the kids,
took care of the house, and brought me food in bed. They alleviated any stress
for Shaun and allowed him to continue going to work as usual. It was an
adjustment for me of course, but they figured everything out and my kids didn’t
even care that their mom had disappeared for several days. Then they flew with
me and the kids to Saskatoon for a month in September for a change of scenery
before Shaun arrived. Again, they took care of everything. They also are coming
back in December for another “shift” and for Christmas. I think they want this
surgery to work more than I do.
Shaun’s parents, Gary and Cheryl have been
absolutely incredible and I am so grateful for them every day. They dropped
everything this summer and flew with us to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota so that
Shaun and I could go to appointments without having to worry about the kids.
In the fall Cheryl flew back to Houston with us after our time in Canada, and
then Gary following a couple weeks later after Harvest was done. They continued
the care my parents had given us, and took over everything so I didn’t have to
lift or do anything physical, and so I could rest. The kids were so excited to
have Nana and Papa there for so long, and my floors have never been cleaner. I
am so thankful that I have in-laws who make me feel so comfortable, and I never
feel like I have to host. That was especially true this visit when they were
caring for me and my family in my own home.
Shaun. What would I have done in this
life without you? I can’t even begin to thank you for always being there for
me. You were with me when this started and have talked me through every bad
migraine. You have not once made me feel any sort of guilt or that I was a
burden. You have bent over backwards to make life easier for me and pushed me
to do anything I needed to in order to feel better. You never complain and you
always remind me of the good in our life when I am struggling to find it. You
are just the most incredible human in the world and I can’t imagine what my
life would be like if you weren’t holding my hand through it.
Kinley and Emmett, thank you for the hugs and
the cuddles when I need them. Thank you for loving your mom fiercely even when
she yells at you when you don’t deserve it. Thank you for being such good
sleepers and for getting along so well. Kinley has the softest heart and
always whispers quietly that she is going to give me “medicine kisses” to make
the owie on my head go away.
Thank you to all my great friends who have
stayed great friends over the years even though my energy and motivation to
text and stay in touch has been embarrassing. Thanks for accepting all my last
minute cancellations on plans and not making me feel worse than I already do.
To all the friendships I have developed since my migraines started in 2010, I
hope one day you will see who I really am under that forced smile and we can
build a deeper connection.
I am thankful for my home situation where I
can stay at home with the kids and not have the stress of needing to work. I am
thankful for my mental health as it is so uncommon for someone with such a high
level of chronic pain to not experience anxiety or depression. I am thankful
for my will to fight, even though many days I question it. I am thankful that
we ended up in Houston and I somehow discovered one of the few surgeons in the
world that studies and performs this surgery. Most of all I am thankful (again)
for Shaun because he has always been by my side and has done everything in his
power to help me get through each day.
Okay wow, I feel like I am accepting an Academy
Award or something.
Thank YOU for being here and reading my
rambling.
xx
My daily headaches continue to be pretty much
non-existent. My neck gets sore if I don't take the time to rest it during the
day, so our travel day to Canada was a bit tough. We woke the kids up at 3:30am
and even though my parents were travelling with me (Shaun will join us in
Canada in a couple weeks) and made my life SO much easier, K and E were tired
and still wanted their momma. However, my discomfort was significantly more
tolerable than any trip I've ever taken.
The biggest changes this week is the zapping
has been more frequent and more aggressive. It isn't very painful, just makes
me jump. Again, this is a really good sign because it means the nerves are
waking up.
Brushing my hair is such an important part of
my healing regime, but its been really hard to tolerate the last few days. My
scalp is super sensitive. Before it was just sensitive near my incisions and at
the base of my skull, but now even brushing the top and sides of my head makes
me wince. Before my surgery, both my neurologist and my surgeon told me
they wanted me to gain weight. The reason for this is that nerves like
fat. Fat surrounds the nerves and gives them padding and protection. They
explained that when thin people have this surgery they often have a more
difficult time with recovery because they don't have as much cushion around the
nerve and therefore its more sensitive when you touch your head. Up until this
point I didn't have much of an issue, but this week as the numbness in the back
of my head continues to slowly wear off, I am noticing that massaging my scalp
and brushing my hair has been harder to tolerate. Last week I got frustrated
with this (especially because I was still only allowed to use baby shampoo
which doesn't help a lot with tangling), so I went to my hairdresser and told
him to cut it all off. And he did.
xx
